More than 20,000 people answered the quiz, and of these respondents, 69 per cent (10,465) said their partner had forced or pressured them to do something sexual they didn’t want to do. Reports included the responses to a relationship that was targeted at young women aged 18-25 who might already have concerns about their own relationship or about a friend. This year, Women’s Aid released the results of its Too Into You campaign, which focuses on young people’s relationships. Your boyfriend is getting angry at you when you say no to sex, showing that he does not respect you, feels entitles to sex with you, is happy to make you feel like an object that isn’t serving its purpose if you turn him downĪnd yet this type of shaming and coercion happens all the time, culturally and in relationships. And pressuring women into having sex they don’t want to have is not nor will it ever be part of women’s liberation, equality or empowerment. Shaming people for making decisions about their personal boundaries, comfort and bodies is not nor will it ever be sexual empowerment. Let us be unequivocal: Shaming people for not having sex is not nor will it ever be sex positive. However, cultural misunderstandings around sex positivity – some unintentional, some deliberate and weaponised – have meant that many young people and women in particular can feel under pressure to have sex to prove that they are cool or non-judgmental or non-prudish. Sex positivity thus inherently also means respecting everyone’s right to say no whenever they want, or to have very little sex or no sex, whatever their choice. Sex positivity, at its core, is simply about replacing cultural and societal fear, shame and judgment around consensual sex with ideas of respect, autonomy and pleasure allowing people to make informed decisions about their sex life without being shamed for it. The past few years have also seen a major cultural misunderstanding around the idea of sex positivity, which is particularly worrying for young people. (These narratives about men always wanting sex can also deeply harm men, whose experiences of sexual harassment or sexual violence often aren’t taken seriously because of these gender tropes.) Tired, simplistic narratives about “the male libido” and the idea that men always want sex mean that a lot of women feel under pressure to have sex with male partners even when they don’t want to, in order to be a good partner. You don’t mention your gender, but women and people who are partnered with men are often affected by damaging cultural stereotypes around gender and sex. People of all genders, but particularly women, are often encouraged to normalise coercive, manipulative and downright dangerous behaviour from partners. Sexual consent is about being happy to say yes – it’s not about being afraid to say no. It may be subtle, he may not think of it as such, but it is emotional manipulation and coercion. If his response to you saying no is anger, moodiness and passive aggression, then it is not always going to feel emotionally safe to say no – and that is coercion. He is using anger, passive aggression and displays of resentment and contempt to make you feel pressured and unsafe. If his response to you saying no is anger, moodiness and passive aggression, then it is not always going to feel emotionally safe to say no – and that is coercionīut your boyfriend isn’t trying to respect you, communicate with you, connect with you or make you feel appreciated, loved or safe. If the issue were simply differing sex drives, you and your boyfriend would be talking about strategies to address this issue so that you both feel desired, appreciated, respected and safe whether you are trying to initiate sex or turning it down you would be addressing how to stay connected even when not sexually active, emotionally and through non-sexual physical affection and you would be discussing what boundaries you are comfortable with when it comes to your boyfriend seeking out sexual pleasure when you’re not in the mood, be it masturbation or pornography consumption or, if you were so inclined, opening up the relationship.
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